Still

The stillness of my patience is losing inertia,

I wish there was a moment I could relive and rewind,

And there was the long due walk I promised myself,

and of disappearing that I would use as rebound.

A few friendships that are hurting now,

a few memories that I have yet to discard,

I am in the ferrous wheel of desires,

and its only inches away from the ground.

I write so I can feel,

semblance of thoughts is fading away,

its mechanical the truth of the threads in my head,

and there is one last lap of that merry go round.

Jealousy

So well, since its been sometime since I posted I decided to start with something I have been thinking about for a long time now. And I think its jealousy. Yup weird I know, but true. I think I am jealous a LOT, like more than an average person.
I am jealous cause a friend I love writes better than me, or I am jealous that someone has more blog followers, I am jealous if someone’s work is better appreciated. I am jealous if someone looks better. So half the day I am plain and simple jealous. But I realise that this sorta keeps me competitive. I am not dramatic enough to ‘conspire’ against people who I am jealous of (k serials would have you believe that’s the only way) I instead strive harder to do better. It can be very stupid at times. I end up doing long hrs at work. Doubling up work for self, sometimes being really bogged down. But it keeps me going nonetheless. Through my years of study I think I wasn’t an academic star because I was not jealous of those who were good at their studies. Its a weird thing to realise that you are better at something because you are jealous. Most people would mark it as being competitive.
I don’t know if I would call it being competitive. I think I am ok being jealous. But sometimes I think I push myself for that a bit too much. But that’s just me. Sometimes I can be evil jealous like get angry with a boyfriend cause of his ex, or angry with a friend cause they give another more attention. Is that really the two sides to a coin. Being possessive about people and being insanely jealous. I feel like I don’t know myself.
Just the other day I was jealous cause someone could save more money. But it makes me wonder is jealousy an unhealthy emotion. Or is it healthy and unhealthy depending on situations? Or am I like a friend indicated, stuck in some sorta quarterlife crisis. Sigh! I wonder where are all the answers, there are just too many questions for sure.

Sometimes

Sometimes they fail me, words,

of a deeply burnt challis in time they are made.

Sometimes they push me, dreams,

of fireflies in the dark they are made.

Sometimes they hold me, desire,

they are of the emptiness in the living made.

Sometimes they banish me, the nightmares,

they are of deep secrets in abyss of hearts made.

Sometimes they let me go, the tears,

they are of insecurities made.

Sometimes they embrace the being, smiles,

They are of the new and untouched made.

A bit of me

I believe in uneasy happiness, I believe in vibes and I believe in the concept of clicking with people at the first meeting.

I am not someone who is hesitant to make friends… and neither do i chose carefully. Impulse has always been my forte, I thrive on it. Maybe I am idealistic but I love that part of me. I can be foolish enough to walk out and stubborn enough to stay on. And I wonder sometimes if people think I am crazy. In fact I am sure that most of the times people think I am crazy, but there is a charm to that way of life. And I just thought writing about it would make me feel like a fun person. So like a friend once showed me how she had noted down 25 random/weird things about her. I decided I am going to pen that down. Or maybe things that even a lot of my close friends don’t know about me.

So here we go:

1. I love dancing, sometimes I get up at night and dance… Just randomly. Or do like my happy dance ( I have one) at my whim, even on the road

2. I want to get married twice to the same person, once in the typical Indian ishtyle, and once with a white gown and all…

3. Till my eighth standard I used to actually believe that my dad is my boyfriend, I often said that to people :p

4. I judge men on their English speaking skills  (I know its not cool)

5. I can never fall for a good looking dumb guy… even if he is sexyboi incarnate

6. I am OBSESSED with lingerie.. ermm too personal ehh .. like I said

7. I am also obsessed with organising stuff, my life starts to mess up if I see things around messed up and I can still never keep everything the way I like.. So I miss my mom

8. If I could cook for people everyday, I would.. I love cooking and i want to start a free food joint someday…

9. I love movies, but am very judgemental about them and still I can watch ANY movie, any at all

10. If I was to make a list of people I love, it would be a long long list and if I were to start noting how many people I have said ‘I want to marry you/him’ it would be longer

11. I strongly believe that since I was born, I am one of those women slotted for life in the ‘buddy’ zone for men (Sighs)

12. I love acting, and every time I am on stage I am always wishing I had more lines or I could stay on

13. I have phases where I am obsessed with book authors, its like I am romancing them

14. I have crush on Kaminey ka Shahid Kapur :p

15. I instantly hate people sometimes without interacting with them

16. I have a list of fantasies that I keep with myself so that they can someday be fulfilled (fantasies of all kinds)

17. I cant eat non-vegetarian food because each time I tried I would hear animal noises in my head

18. My mother still shops for at least half of my wardrobe

19. I want to have 12 children (adopt 10)

20. I want to write a book someday.. actually a few books

21. I want to start my own organisation where I use theatre as a means of spreading social awareness (you dint peg me for the kind did ya)

22. I am idealistic still and refuse to believe that things need to change

23. I want to also enter politics someday and bring change in the nation

24. But my family will always come above anything else in the world

25. I love my immediate boss and one of these days I am going to write a post on the perfect boss

So well that does it, me thinks this should help increase visits to my blog if interesting enough :p